Don't give up the day job.

Coworker (putting down the phone): Well, that was a very plummy Irish voice!
Me: What was her name? Miss Noma?
FX: Whoosh sound of something going over coworker's head.

Gazumped!

Oh dear Co-worker,

How can I break this to you gently...?

Happy Valentines

Dear Co-worker,

blimey! So there IS an old romantic in there somewhere. Happy Valentines day.

On the one hand I'm glad that you've finally realised that no one else in the world is going to fancy you like Gina inexplicably seems to.

But on the flip side, I'm not looking forward to the blow by blow accounts of your fledgling sex life...

Snow day

Dear Co-worker,

Tales of your troubled journey into work are not wanted at any time of day but certainly not first thing on a Monday.

Milk of human kindness

Co-worker: I think this milk is off.

Me: Tastes fine to me. Who's side of the fridge did you take it from?

Silence.

PS Maybe that'll teach you to stop taking my milk.

PPS It's not off, it's the salt I put in it.

Who finished the milk?

Dear  Co-worker,

when you've run out of milk, the polite course of action is to go out and buy some more. Not use mine without asking. 

Wonders never cease!

Dear Co-worker,

Oh my god! That's the first time I've ever seen you genuinely surprised and admit that there's something you never knew.

For that shining moment, you were a more interesting and appealing person.