Game, set and mismatch

In the spirit of Wimbledon, dear co-worker channels Roger Federer in the anti-fly electric tennis racket championship.

Please pass the cookies

Dear Co-worker,

the biscuits are there for all staff to enjoy with their tea,

not for you to dip in to whenever you've sent a clever email.

Cheap? Moi?

Co-worker: (proudly) “I’ve never, ever been in a 99p shop.”

Me: “Really? So where did you get that outfit?”

Yeah, sorry. It was a cheap shot.

Stationery

Caller: Hi, I'm just ringing to make sure your stationery supplies arrived.
Me: They did. I'm just testing them out now.

Fascinating... NOT.

Dear Co-worker,

Please don't start a conversation with "Oh, that's interesting..."
...if you're then going to talk about your car insurance.

I think we took a wrong turn...

Oh the horror. Weekend pub crawl with the lads. Let's try this place...

Choke, splutter, wheeze

Dear Co-worker, 

It's really not appropriate or polite to cough down the phone at clients...

No travel stories.

Dear Co-worker,

Truly, your martyrdom knows no bounds. It really is a miracle of nature that you manage to battle in every day against the adversity of cancelled trains, angry commuters and flying copies of the Metro.

Save the planet

Dear Co-worker,

I'm so sorry I opened my trap. When I suggested that we email internal documents rather than printing useless bits of paper that end up in the recycling five minutes later, I was thinking of saving the planet.

Of course, I should have been thinking of you. Yes it is obviously far easier to hold the piece of paper in your hand rather than scroll between two pages on a screen.

Duff duff duff!

Dear Co-worker,

So you don't watch any soaps but you still interrupt someone to give a ten minute opinion on how bad they are and how no one likes them.
Hmm. Who to believe? 7 million viewers or 1 a***hole?

Don't give up the day job.

Coworker (putting down the phone): Well, that was a very plummy Irish voice!
Me: What was her name? Miss Noma?
FX: Whoosh sound of something going over coworker's head.

Gazumped!

Oh dear Co-worker,

How can I break this to you gently...?

Happy Valentines

Dear Co-worker,

blimey! So there IS an old romantic in there somewhere. Happy Valentines day.

On the one hand I'm glad that you've finally realised that no one else in the world is going to fancy you like Gina inexplicably seems to.

But on the flip side, I'm not looking forward to the blow by blow accounts of your fledgling sex life...

Snow day

Dear Co-worker,

Tales of your troubled journey into work are not wanted at any time of day but certainly not first thing on a Monday.

Milk of human kindness

Co-worker: I think this milk is off.

Me: Tastes fine to me. Who's side of the fridge did you take it from?

Silence.

PS Maybe that'll teach you to stop taking my milk.

PPS It's not off, it's the salt I put in it.

Who finished the milk?

Dear  Co-worker,

when you've run out of milk, the polite course of action is to go out and buy some more. Not use mine without asking. 

Wonders never cease!

Dear Co-worker,

Oh my god! That's the first time I've ever seen you genuinely surprised and admit that there's something you never knew.

For that shining moment, you were a more interesting and appealing person.