Merry Christmas

Dear Co-worker,

Merry Christmas you miserable old sod.

A disturbance in the Force.

Rookie move.

In anticipation of the new Star Wars film, 'Rogue One' I was watching the trailer at work. Big mistake.

Co-worker- "coming to a green screen near you."

Would be a funny comment, if it wasn't so cynical, spiteful and mostly inaccurate.



Decisions, decisions...

Work place dilemma #56

Gina in the office next door has the hots for dear co-worker. Do I:

a) tell her to run a mile?

b) set them up on a date and provide him with the first female company he hasn't had to pay for?

Oops...

Dear Co-worker,
I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean to.
But I *might* have dropped a bogey in your tea.

ATCHOOOO!

Dear co-worker,

Exactly how long have you had that cold now?

Please either take some time off, go to the doctor or jam your head in a door.

I’m not sure what’s worse, your constant sniffing or you loudly and ostentatiously blowing your nose every ten minutes.

And no! I DON'T want to look in your hanky.



Bus Stop

Dear Co-worker,

No, it isn't nice when someone keeps yapping about really boring stuff and you can't get away. Welcome to my life.



I can read...

Dear Co-worker,

I really don't know how I've managed to survive without your lovely running commentary on the Michael Jackson autopsy...

Happy Halloween

"No, I've just come from my nephew's birthday party."

Mystery solved

Dear Co-worker, so you weren't tempted to keep the sex toy.

Well done for plucking up the courage to take it to its rightful owner in the office next door.

Apparently Gina ordered it for her sister for Christmas as a joke, honest...

Happy Day

It's Slap Your Irritating Co-Worker Day. Shame it's a Sunday.

Christmas gift?

Dear Co-worker,

Are you sure that parcel was addressed to you?

Nosey bonk

Dear Co-worker, 
You'll get your nose punched one of these days if you keep poking it into other people's business.
But tell me, who's moving into the office next door?

Nosey parker

Dear Co-worker,
I've got no problem with you googling our clients, but I really don't need to hear the results of your findings. At length.
Do you really think I'm interested in what size company they are, what their turnover was last year or what they look like? (Ok, maybe the last one...)

Consolation

Dear Co-worker,

There's always someone worse off than you.

For example, right now you're annoyed and disappointed that you didn't get shortlisted for that job.

But spare a thought for the poor saps that still have to work with you.

Anti-social media

Dear Co-worker,
Thanks for confirming, it's always worth checking every so often.

You don't do ANY form of social media. At all.

Porn Idle

Quandry. If dear Co-worker's prospective new employers ask for a reference, do we mention all the porn he watches at work?

Step away from the fax

Dear Co-worker,

Random faxes offering company car finance are to binned.

They are NOT to be read, digested and discussed at length.

Plot thickens...

2pm. Co-worker walks in. Something odd about him. 

Shirt a bit whiter? Hair combed? Different tie without stains?

 Wait! Has someone been for an interview?

Absence makes the heart...

Bliss.

No co-worker today. Got loads done. Even had a laugh with the boss without it being hijacked for a ten minute lecture.

*wonders where co-worker is. Not well?

Cheeky butty.

Office faux pas narrowly avoided.
After a boozy night, Co worker turns up with a greasy bacon butty this morning.

"Who cares if it takes a few years off my life?"

Knee-jerkly opened my mouth to say "I don't" but stopped the sound before it came out.

#tact

Doing it old school.

Co-worker- "By the time I was 16, I was totally bored with school."
Me- "I suppose you knew it all by then."

No one likes a smuggie.

Dear Co-worker,

All the smug looks, asides and hints are becoming really tiresome.

If you want to tell me you've applied for another job, just come out with it.

Paging Victoria Coren Mitchell

Dear Co-worker,

Please stop demanding my attention.

This Only Connect wall is against the clock you know!

Not wanted on voyage?

Dear Co-worker,

Yes, I agree that stag dos are getting a bit out of hand when you have to go to New York or Thailand for a week.

But don't worry. It's very unlikely you'll ever be invited on one.

"You should've seen the other fella."

Subtle subtext through the week, I glean that 'bird behind the bar' had a boyfriend.

In other news, that bruise is cycling nicely through the colours of the rainbow.

What shade would you say that is now? Puce tinged with shame?

Pow!

Dear Co-Worker,

Wow. That’s quite a shiner. If you still played any sports I’d assume the ball had kicked you back. While I’m totally loving this new silent you, I’m desperate to know what happened.

Step away from the cake

Dear Co-worker,
Thanks for helping me to stay healthy. I was going to treat myself to a post 5k run danish but the thought of your smug face watching me eat it made me change my mind.

Bar fly

So, dear Co-worker...

Got a crush on the new 'bird behind the bar' at your local have we?

Maybe if you stopped referring to them as 'birds' a girl might take pity on you long enough to go on a date.

Another happy bank holiday!

What Co-worker says he's doing on the bank holiday:

What he's probably really doing:

Starting with the Man in the Mirror

Dear Co-worker, thanks so much for sharing.

So when you've had a drink you see yourself as Sean Connery huh?

"The namesh Co-Worker. Dear Co-Worker."

Hanging on the telephone

Dear Co-worker,
Yes, you're very clever for keeping cold callers on the phone for fifteen minutes, keeping them off script, calling their bosses a bunch of crooks and trying to discover their company details so you can give them YOUR prepared speech about how they if haven't filed accounts for two years and are due to be struck off blah blah blah.

But even if you do recount the whole conversation to me word for word, there is only so much validatory platitude I can give. Please desist now.

The Social Network

Dear Co-worker, what a wide circle of friends you have. For almost every topic of conversation you have a "mate in my pub" connected to it. It must be amazing to have such a varied social life.

What Co-worker thinks his local pub is like:

What it might actually be like:

Democratic duty

Dear co-worker,
I get it. You're feeling disenfranchised. You don't like any of the parties. So spoil your balot paper. Protest in the streets. Moan on twitter.
DON'T hand your balot paper to your kid nephews to fill in. There's a reason why the nutjob parties have the most eye-catching logos.

Happy bank holiday!

What Co-worker says he'll be doing on the bank holiday:

What he's probably really doing:

Get to the point!

Dear Co-worker,
I have never met anyone else that speaks with so many clauses. You are adding so many extra sentences, tangents and asides to your original sentence that I've completely forgotten what you were talking about.

Making a spectacle

Co-worker- "I've had these glasses for two years without ruining them."
Me- "I take it you don't class wrapping them round your ugly mug as 'ruining' then..."

It's Not Slap Your Co-Worker Day

According to some reports, today is National Slap Your Irritating Co-worker Day.

In the light of my recent post about bullying in the workplace, I will be exercising restraint and mostly sitting on my hands.

Fortunately National Slap Your Irritating Co-Worker Day is actually 23rd October. Don't worry, it's in the diary.

Harmless fun

FYI this blog is about gentle ribbing and harmless workplace banter.

We at Dear Coworker DO NOT IN ANY WAY endorse or condone gaslighting or any other form of bullying in the workplace, school, home or anywhere else.

Relationship counselling R not us.

Dear co-worker, so remind me. In the 20+ years we’ve been working together, when was the last time you had a girlfriend? 
Oh that’s right. Never. 
So tell me, what exactly qualifies you to comment on my relationship?

Don't make me laugh

Dear Co-worker,

I don't normally do schadenfreude (laughing at the misfortune of others) BUT you falling off your chair just now was F###ING HILARIOUS! 

Happy Easter

Dear Co-worker,
Watching the postman go past the window every day probably doesn't make you an expert on the Easter delivery policy of the Royal Mail.

Lumbered.

Dear Co-worker,

I'm very sorry you answered the phone after 5 o'clock on Friday and got a boring client that just wanted to chat.

I feel your pain. Really I do.

Especially since you've now relayed the entire conversation, word for word, to each member of staff that's come in.

Let me stop you there...

Dear Co-worker,

Yes, that client clearly DOES need you to explain what a tax return is and I'm gratified that you have the knowledge to be able to enlighten them.

But as I just told you in person, "don't tell me, email them."

Time spent yapping, could be time spent typing.

Don't ask, don't get.

Dear co-worker,

I’m nipping to the shop quickly to get a sandwich. When I asked “does anyone want anything” you’re supposed to reply “no”

Taking the...

Dear Co-worker,
No it's fine. You have BOTH biscuits at the end of the pack.
(PS I'm glad they turned out to be stale and crumbly)

Get this!

Dear co-worker,

no matter how well informed and well-reasoned your argument may be, the fact that you habitually start every response to someone with "I get that, but" immediately makes you sound like an arrogant knob to be disregarded.

The Art of Distraction

Dear co-worker, no I’m not typing on Facebook to make it appear that I’m actually working so you will stop talking to me. Nope, not at all.